Things I miss about hiking

We just spent 16 days on the Larapinta trail. It's hard work being back in an office after that, let me tell you! Here's some of the things I'm missing:

*Being able to condense my whole life into a pack and take it with me wherever I go (I think I was a snail in my past life)

*Having every meal pre-prepared and packaged, AND being able to eat whatever I like without worrying about calories

*The World’s Greatest Scroggin: almonds, brazil nuts, cashews, a bit of pre-packaged trail mix, dried peaches, apricot delight, red licorice, chocolate-covered acai berries, and licorice bullets. YUM!

*Pooing into a hole

*The walking

*The scenery of the West Macdonell Ranges – just spectacular!

*The life-and-death situations (ok, so I do ride a bike on the roads in Canberra, but it’s just not the same!)

*Bird-spotting – especially one we haven’t seen before! Then we look it up in our bird book, and circle it. Such a nerdy sense of achievement!

*Developing thighs of steel

*Going to sleep at 8pm and then waking up naturally in time to watch the sun rise. So different from the forced awakening I have to endure here!

Revelation

So, now that my paper is all written and ready, it turns out I'm not scared at the thought of presenting it anymore! Guess I'm only scared of the idea of public speaking when unprepared. Well how 'bout that!

The Fear Factor

I have been thinking a bit about fear lately, and I don't mean in that new-agey "fear is the only thing holding you back from living the life you dream" kind of way, but in more of a real, concrete, my-guts-just-turned-to-water sort of way. Well, ok, maybe not like that either; I was once in a shop during a violent armed robbery, and so it's not the "Oh my god I think I am going to die" kind of fear that I'm talking about either.

At the moment there are two things in my life that are really challenging me to push past my fears, and they are a) public speaking in the form of giving conference papers; and b) roller derby (I know, who would've thought my whole "OMG I love it SOOOO much!" phase would ever end!).

Let's start with a), giving conference papers. This is not like drama, or debating, both of which I did with a total lack of self-consciousness during high school. It's not playing a role, or arguing for something spontaneously just for the sake of it. This is me, supposedly knowing what I'm talking about, and telling other people about it in an informed manner. Six months ago I heard of a conference called Oceanic Passages, and thought it would be a good opportunity to get onto the conference paper circuit. It's basically a career thing, giving me something to add to my CV and indicating that I'm ready to be taken seriously as a curator. Mind you, Oceanic Passages is not anything to do with my curatorial work, but I thought I could write and present something about my experiences in Tonga, and get a bit of practice. Sure, sure, 6 months ago it sounded like a GREAT idea. Then I started doing research into post-colonial theory and realised I was a bit out of my depth. Now I have reached the point where my presentation is in 2 weeks and I'm still trying to write the damn paper! The thought of getting up in front of a roomful of people (or a handful of people - better or worse??!) and putting forth my ideas about why cultural tourism in Tonga is failing is downright terrifying!

So to cap this one off, I also said yes to speaking at a Symposium about the Museum's Melbourne-Cup related collections in August, and another yet-to-be-determined topic at a conference in November. Brilliant! Because if you look at all the advice about dealing with fear, they say facing your fears is the only way to get over them, right? Not that I'd like to be in another armed robbery, or driving off a cliff into water, or attacked by a giant spider, or any of my other assorted fears!

Now, for roller derby. What am I scared of there? Well, for a start, we've moved on from the learning how to skate part of things, which was really fun. Now we're doing drills that are all about THE GAME, and I'm thinking maybe I don't actually want to play the game, maybe I just wanted to learn to skate - which, in all honesty, was what I said when I signed up for Fresh Meat. But on a deeper level, I am still a lot more comfortable doing drills that involve just me - it's the pack work and the pair work that make me feel anxious. Because I don't LIKE relying on other people. And I've never played team sports, either. Hell, I'm an only child, and there totally is an I in that team name (Isa), a team of just me.

Oh, and I'm also scared of going fast on my skates. I don't like feeling 'out of control'. When I was a teenager I loved that shit - craved it. Spent so much of my time looking for new and illegal ways to loose control. But I'm older and wiser and far more of a control-freak now!

I'm dealing with both of these fears by facing them, but I have to say that the idea that as soon as you face your fear it vanishes is a platitude; it takes a lot more work than that! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a conference paper to write.

Skinned'er Ella

Oh yeah - and I got my White Star!

I'm thinking of Skinned'er Ella as my derby name. What do you reckon??

A general rant against Canberra, and healthcare in particular

I just paid $145 to see a doctor. Because she talked too much, and the appointment ran over the alotted 15 minutes, I had to pay for a "long consultation". It's bad enough that a regular consult costs $75, but $145 (of which I'll get $60 back from Medicare) is just extortionate.

This wasn't even my regular doctor - to see her you need to book 2 weeks in advance, and lets face it, generally you don't know you're going to NEED a doctor 2 weeks beforehand!

This is health care in Canberra, where nobody but that dodgy doctor up at Dickson bulk bills. (Everyone in Canberra that you mention your suprise to about how nobody bulk bills invariably says, "Well, there is one guy up at Dickson, but he's pretty dodgy!"). Because apparently we're all cashed-up public servants with private health care, and we can afford it. Bullshit! Nobody should have to fork out $85 from their own pocket to go and see a GP for twenty minutes - that's just outrageous!

In Sydney I was really lucky. The doctors I had on-campus while at Uni were not only free, but excellent. Then when I left uni I moved to a local-ish female GP who was recommended to me by a friend. It cost only $10 above the Medicare rebate to see her, and there was certainly no time span, where if they talk too much or if you have questions they charge you double the fee!

Not only that, but you know what? This doctor that I saw this morning diagnosed me with 'excercise induced asthma'. I'm sorry, you've never seen me before today, and according to your breath-test thingy I have normal lung capacity for my height. But you're going to diagnose me with a new and potentially life-threatening illness like it's the flu, without even asking me any questions about my lifestyle LIKE FOR EXAMPLE DO I SMOKE???? As it happens I don't smoke, but I think perhaps there's more to a diagnosis as serious as this than just "Oh, you had a cough after some exercise? Just the once? You must have excercise induced asthma then!" And that wasn't even why I went to see her in the first place.

I found out yesterday that my contract at work has been extended until June 30 2011. On the one hand it's good news, because we're assured of at least ONE income in our household for the next year, and I am just getting into the local roller derby scene - good to know I can commit to at least another year in Canberra with that. But geez lord, sometimes this town gives me the raging shits and I can't wait to get the hell outta here! My only stipulation for when we do leave is that wherever we go has gotta have a derby team!

I got Derby on my mind!

So - roller derby. I think it's one of those things that once it grabs you, it won't let go! If you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, here's a 2 minute video on YouTube that gives the basics of how flat track roller derby is played, courtesy of the Hammer City Roller Girls (from Ontario in Canada). And if you want to see something a bit closer to home (and a bit more 'live-action'!), here's a clip from SBS's Dave in the Life, featuring the girls from Sydney Roller Derby League!

So from the outside, it might look like a lot of biff goes on, but a great deal of time goes into teaching girls to skate properly and safely, which minimises the risk of injuries. I have just passed my White Star assessment, which is the first assessment in the Derby world of star ratings. There's still another two to go (Yellow and Orange stars) before I'll be deemed 'bout ready'.

And though there is definitely a perve factor inherent in the sport, it's best not to forget that it is indeed a SPORT, and these women are athletes. Though sometimes it may not look like it, you don't actually have to be considered 'hot' to play roller derby. The beauty of it is that it suits a number of body types, and in fact you use your body as a weapon. Having large powerful thighs gets you round the track quicker, a generous bottom is great for booty blocking, and being short gives you a lower centre of gravity so you can weave through the pack with greater ease. That's one thing I love about it.

The other thing that amazes me is that it's something pretty much anyone can learn to do. Eight weeks ago I could barely stand up in my skates, and now I can do a whole length of the track standing on one foot/skate! I can T-stop and plough stop within 3 metres, I can jump 10 cm in my skates, and I can fall down and get back up again within 3 seconds. And you know, I'm not exactly the 'sporty' type!

In fact I've never played a team sport, aside from a brief go at water polo in high school. I'm not a 'joiner' and I don't like relying on other people to win. I'm firecely competitive, and that's something I've tried to avoid unleashing, because it's just easier that way, both on me and on those around me! But with derby, I feel like This is The One - a sport that I can actually get into! I'm not sure if I can exactly articulate why it's different. Maybe coz it's a contact sport for women, maybe coz you get to play in fishnets if you want. But it all adds up to one very exciting new thing in my life, and I'm loving it!

Group-phobia

I don't like group situations. I'm not talking 4-5 people, I'm talking the group dynamics that form in numbers of around 15 plus, and which seem to get more apparent as the numbers get higher. It freaks me out. In classic Cancerian behaviour, it's my tactic to shy away from large groups - and if the situation gives me no choice, then I go into my little shell - pull myself away before people decide they don't like me - so I don't get hurt. Of course, this gives everyone the impression that I'm an aloof bitch, and actually encourages the very behaviour I'm trying so hard to avoid.

It's funny, coz I'm not exactly a shy person. I'm just simply not comfortable around larger groups of people if I don't know them.

This has started to become an issue with the roller derby. There's around 50-odd of us training as Fresh Meat, and there's some classic Alpha female posturing starting to happen, which makes me feel uber-uncomfortable. I know it's incredibly sexist to say this, but I do think large groups of women can lead to an increased level of bitchiness. And I'm not trying to pretend that I'm immune to being a bitch myself, in fact I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people out there who would use that particular word exactly to describe me.

But I don't want to be a bitch, and nor do I want to deal with bitchiness in this group situation. I just want to rollerskate, man! But pretending it's not happening and turning a blind eye is not going to change or defuse the situation - I still have to deal with "The Group Mentality", and try to find a place for myself within it. Because I really, really want to do this. Not just do it, but be a part of it. And at the moment, I don't feel a part of it at all. And so my instincts are to pack up my skating gear and run out the door! I really don't know what to do.