The Maiden Aunt

So, here I am, the third adult in a family household. It's an interesting dynamic, but it seems to be working for all of us. I can be an extra pair of hands when needed to mind the baby so mum can have a shower or run his bath, I contribute financially to a single-income family by paying rent, and I also help out by cooking and doing housework. Every family should have this 'Maiden Aunt' figure.

Of course the situation also works to my advantage. I'm living with a dear friend and getting to know her son, her partner, and his children. All this has made my transition to WA so much more bearable than it would otherwise have been. But that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to rail against the ridiculous social construct that is the nuclear family.

How much more sensible to adhere to the old adage that 'it takes a village to raise a child', rather than putting the responsibility onto two people alone. Within this two-person dynamic the roles are generally quite clearly delineated, between bread-winner and carer. The bread-winner is usually the man - let's face it, their greater earning potential means that it just makes sense. The responsibilities for financially supporting an entire family falls to one person. The other person, meantime, is left with the care and responsibility for a growing child or children. This is hard work, and is generally not recognised as such. A greater share of domestic responsibility then falls on that person - as well as looking after the child/ren they are also often tasked with cooking, cleaning, the constant loads of laundry, and otherwise running a household.

It's here too that the finer dynamics between couples might come into play - if the woman is being financially supported by the man she may feel that her only contribution is in taking on those additional domestic responsibilities. But while the bread-winner can come home and put work behind them for the day, the carer's work is almost never-ending.

I know that this is just one way of doing things, and maybe describing this as the 'typical' situation means it doesn't really reflect the uniqueness of any situation. Obviously people switch things up and come to arangements that suit them as individuals, but geez it looks like hard work from the outside.

I like my small involvement in this family's life. I like sharing the day-to-day with them, and I love being able to help out my friend, and feel that overall I am helping to make life easier for everyone, rather than being an imposition or an unwelcome guest in their home. I'm not saying that I have suddenly swooped in and made everything so much easier all of a sudden - I'm no Mary Poppins. I am, after all, imposing on a family dynamic, and that comes with its own complexities. But all things considered, I think having more than two adults taking responsibility for a household and a family does make things easier.

It seems that polygamy does actually make sense in this context, and in a way it's the shared blood ties that would provide the family lubricant and allow it to all come together. Similarly with the maiden aunt example. As they say, 'blood is thicker than water'. But I would question this. After all, my friend and I are not bonded by blood, but I don't need that to motivate me to help her out. And I in turn have another friend, a woman who has been in my life for many years, with no kids of her own, and she helps me out - as a friend, a mentor, maybe like a spiritual aunt, though there are no blood ties between us.

I think what our society needs is to look at broader ways of being. The sharing of responsibilities among many not only makes life easier but just makes sense. And really, the idea that you can only rely on family is redundant in this day and age of global communities. As for me, if I ever do breed, I hope I can have a maiden aunt of my own!

Seriously fed up with ASSHOLES!

Ok, so the last few weeks in Tonga have been fantastic - knowing that I'm leaving soon has made me want to savour every bit of this place that I can... except ONE particular aspect, that has given me the raging SHITS.

Upon my return from Australia, my flatmate had pretty much moved her Tongan boyfriend into our house, without even asking me if this was ok. Whatever, I'm leaving in a matter of weeks, and at least now we're splitting bills and rent 3 ways (as opposed to when he wasn't officially living there, just staying over every single night and every single day...).

However, Tonga is a very conservative country. You've heard some of the dramas caused by the inter-racial relationship, ie getting kicked out of our house last year, etc. Now that my flatmate and her boyfriend are very obviously "living in sin", our neighbourhood is expressing it's disdain. This is being done through actions such as wandering around our yard and peering into bedroom windows at night, breaking locks on our gate and door, and urinating on the combination lock of our gate. These things have happened at least 3-4 times a week since he moved in, and I have had an absolute GUTFUL. Especially as, being the first one to leave the house, I am the one cleaning the urine off the lock every morning!

It's fine for the neighbours to make use of having a Tongan living there to demand we refill their water bottles, and let them help themselves to our breadfruit and banana trees, but they're still going to be assholes and piss on our gate! Ok, so it's probably not the SAME people, but still, they are pretty much sanctioning these actions by not intervening with those who are committing them, as everyone knows what's going on at any given moment in the neighbourhood.

I didn't come to Tonga to offend the locals, or to cause any trouble. I'm not stealing anybody's job, or appropriating their culture. I'm not even (currently) living in sin! In fact, I am pretty much a bystander as to the main reason for this victimisation, but it affects me nonetheless. If I wasn't going to be leaving the country for good in little more than a month I would seriously move out. As it was, at 5:30 am this morning when some neighbourhood kid jumped into our backyard and unplugged our water pump, I was very seriously thinking about just throwing in the towel and trying to find a short-term rental.

The thing is, this place is so close to town, so will be convenient for Clinton (who has no bike) when he's here. I've also moved house FIVE TIMES since arriving last July, I really DON'T want to do it again! I guess I'm just going to have to put up with it, and add it to my list of "Things I Won't Miss About Tonga" (I've been working on that, and a "Things I Will Miss About Tonga" list, as a way of concreting the reality of leaving and apreciating this place while I still can!).

I know it's just a few neighbourhood troublemakers, and doesn't refelect the animosity of the whole community, but it still leaves me feeling irritated and disappointed. My advice to future AYADs would be - DON'T live with a couple who are overtly flaunting all the local social conventions! It's just not worth it, for your own peace of mind.