I don't like group situations. I'm not talking 4-5 people, I'm talking the group dynamics that form in numbers of around 15 plus, and which seem to get more apparent as the numbers get higher. It freaks me out. In classic Cancerian behaviour, it's my tactic to shy away from large groups - and if the situation gives me no choice, then I go into my little shell - pull myself away before people decide they don't like me - so I don't get hurt. Of course, this gives everyone the impression that I'm an aloof bitch, and actually encourages the very behaviour I'm trying so hard to avoid.
It's funny, coz I'm not exactly a shy person. I'm just simply not comfortable around larger groups of people if I don't know them.
This has started to become an issue with the roller derby. There's around 50-odd of us training as Fresh Meat, and there's some classic Alpha female posturing starting to happen, which makes me feel uber-uncomfortable. I know it's incredibly sexist to say this, but I do think large groups of women can lead to an increased level of bitchiness. And I'm not trying to pretend that I'm immune to being a bitch myself, in fact I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people out there who would use that particular word exactly to describe me.
But I don't want to be a bitch, and nor do I want to deal with bitchiness in this group situation. I just want to rollerskate, man! But pretending it's not happening and turning a blind eye is not going to change or defuse the situation - I still have to deal with "The Group Mentality", and try to find a place for myself within it. Because I really, really want to do this. Not just do it, but be a part of it. And at the moment, I don't feel a part of it at all. And so my instincts are to pack up my skating gear and run out the door! I really don't know what to do.